


Butterflies in my Stomach

by orphan_account



Category: Jrock, MEJIBRAY
Genre: Angst, Breakup, M/M, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 07:58:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6321382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsuzuku wondered how much Koichi meant to him. He loved... Liked a lot of things about him, from his independence to his fashion sense to his creativity, but for what it's worth... They could just stay friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Butterflies in my Stomach

Tsuzuku felt his phone buzz at the end of the bed where he was laying. He collapsed onto his back diagonally on top of the covers when he got home from seeing Koichi. One of his wrists lay on the bridge of his nose and underneath, he was sobbing softly. It had been about an hour since he laid down, but to Tsuzuku it felt like an eternity had passed, tortured along by his racing thoughts.

Tsuzuku and Koichi had been dating secretly for three months. Nobody knew but them, not even their bandmates. Well, nobody really knows what's going on in meto's head so aside from that. At first the thrill of a secret relationship had kept them afloat through all the arguments, but now the guilt that had built up from lying to their band mates and friends was tearing Tsuzuku apart. He was no longer quite as focused on his work or hobbies or relationships, and due to his history of mental illness, his closest friends wondered if he could be entering a new depressive phase.

He could tell all of them, and be relieved of this whether or not he was accepted for being gay. He could fight and win, but... For Koichi, was it worth fighting? Tsuzuku wondered how much Koichi meant to him. He loved... Liked a lot of things about him, from his independence to his fashion sense to his creativity, but for what it's worth... They could just stay friends. Tsuzuku didn't need to commit to a person for sex, he had plenty of options from fans to friends, even males. So unless there was something else... Something special... Tsuzuku could let Koichi slip out of his life, and soon things would return to normal...

Tsuzuku's phone buzzed again, another text message, but how could Tsuzuku read it if it might be from Koichi? How could he talk to his boyfriend when he felt so unsure about where they stood? To Tsuzuku it was like they were dating and had already broken up at the same. Such internal conflict led Tsuzuku to do nothing but cry. He didn't care if someone could hear him through the wall, because he had no energy to remain calm and composed. He sat up and hugged his knees, trembling, and he sobbed disgustingly, watching the dark spots appear on his jeans through blurred vision.

Feeling appropriately numb, Tsuzuku decided he could handle checking his phone. One message from Koichi, three emails and a missed phone call from his sister when Koichi and he were on their date. It wasn't a good time to talk to her then, and now wasn't much better frankly, so Tsuzuku wished she would just settle for texting him. Tsuzuku opened the message from Koichi. 

"It seemed like there was something bothering you when we went out... :( do you want to talk about it?" How could Tsuzuku be honest without crushing Koichi's feelings? It was hard enough to be honest with himself.

Tsuzuku threw the phone on the floor. He immediately regretted it because the screen may have broken, but he didn't check on it, and he collapsed back onto the bed. "What the fuck am I supposed to do.... What the fuck?" Tsuzuku sobbed until his ribs hurt, then drifted into sleep. At least he had gotten the tears out, he thought. He hadn't been able to cry in a while and it would make the rest of the process easier. He hoped that when he woke up all of this could have been a bad dream...

Tsuzuku woke up to a pounding headache. Not the worst one he had ever experienced, and nothing like a hangover, but his body cried out from dehydration and he glanced at the water bottle on his nightstand. Empty. It had been empty for days, and he hadn't tossed it yet, as a result of a plethora of excuses. Tsuzuku dragged himself off the bed and rubbed his eyes. He realized he was wearing the same clothes from yesterday, and then all of the memories came back.

He didn't care, at first, he had already cried about it, but the more he concentrated on the situation the more trapped he felt. What should he do? Of course it seems like the only option was to break up with Koichi, but while he was asleep, that idea melted away. He had a sweet boyfriend, they went out, and Tsuzuku went to bed afterwards. The reality is, it wasn't working out. Koichi talked about some show he was watching, and then about the band, and the whole time Tsuzuku was bored. When nobody was looking and Koichi planted a kiss on Tsuzuku's cheek, Tsuzuku smiled, but he felt nothing. 

Something was wrong, and it wasn't the time to be risking his happiness for this relationship by making it public. It didn't seem like the whole relationship was bad, after all, even happy couples got in arguments from time to time. But those arguments came up when Tauzuku tried to talk about his interests and his feelings honestly. Koichi disagreed with Tsuzuku on a fundamental level, so Tsuzuku talked about things they both liked, and pretended everything was fine. It was dragging him down to not be able to be honest with his partner. 

Tsuzuku picked up his phone, and his heart tightened in his chest as he imagined the screen being broken. It didn't seem like there was any damage, so Tsuzuku slowed his breathing and sat down to respond to Koichi's text from yesterday. When he hit the home button, he saw a new one. 

Koichi said "goodnight <3 I love you." Tsuzuku would have found it sweet, but coming from someone who can't understand him, who doesn't try to get to know him better, and gets upset when he talks about his feelings, the message filled Tsuzuku with anger. Tsuzuku was pretty sure he genuinely listened whenever Koichi talked about his feelings, and Tsuzuku was positive that he never tried to argue about it with him. Tsuzuku decided to make coffee before responding, but while it was brewing he had a hard time distracting himself, so he opened up his messages.

"Hey, I'm sorry I didn't respond last night. I fell alseep" Tsuzuku couldn't be genuine, but he could be secretive, if only for a while.

"It's ok, are you feeling ok to come to the in store at 11am?" Koichi dropped the subject of the night before. He must have known that something was wrong. 

"Yeah, see you there." Still, Tsuzuku had no energy to begin to talk about his feelings today. He washed his face with cold water, put on new makeup and clothes and straightened his hair, then he left the house. The in store event went by, and he met some crazy fans who he hoped he never saw again. He distracted himself by daydreaming until the event was over. At least he didn't have to pretend to be in love with Koichi, even though the platonic act was supposed to feel forced.

After the event, mejibray went to a small coffee shop where they'd be unlikely to be found by fans. A few frantic admirers came up, and Mia talked to them, being the one who most appreciated the attention. Other than that it was peaceful, especially compared to the in store event.

"Tsuzuku, are you seeing anyone?" Mia suddenly turned to Tsuzuku, waking him up from a daydream. What an alarming question, how annoying.

"No, how about you?" Tsuzuku tried to shift the focus of the conversation. 

"Really?" Mia didn't answer the question, not interested in changing the subject. "But I thought that you and Koichi might make a cute couple."

"What!" Tsuzuku acted surprised and looked at Koichi, who played along. "But Koichi doesn't understand me at all." Oops. Tsuzuku had let his true feelings slip and he hadn't even been alone with Koichi. Tsuzuku could have broken his heart... What expression was Koichi wearing? Tsuzuku didn't dare to look. Tsuzuku excused himself to the bathroom with tunnel vision from an approaching panic attack.

Tsuzuku splashed cold water on his face, and tried to control his breathing. In and out, very slowly. He faced the mirror and closed his eyes. Finally he leaned up from the sink and dried off, then went back out to greet the rest of his band mates. Could he go home yet? Tsuzuku didn't have any faith that the rest of the day would be fun, and he was ready to go home and immerse himself in something as a distraction. 

Tsuzuku sat and chatted with the band, then when they left the coffee shop Tsuzuku was the first to suggest they all go home and rest. Tsuzuku laid down on his bed without washing his face for the second day in a row, and fell asleep in his event outfit. When he woke up, there were no more texts from Koichi...

**Author's Note:**

> have a nice day everyone


End file.
